Belonging Before Behavior

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Here belonging before behavior, what comes to mind?

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Well, it seems to me that to the extent that schools are able to create an atmosphere where the kids who come there feel emotionally connected. Because to me, that's what belonging is about. It's the feeling of emotional connection to where you are, to the group of people you're in. And, you know, in positive discipline, we believe that children need to feel that sense of belonging in a variety of groups, their families, their extended families, their schools, their peer groups, later work groups. It doesn't ever go away. When we're looking at the behaviors that kids do that cause adults to be concerned in early childhood settings, a positive discipline perspective is we want to get an idea of how this behavior represents a kid's attempt to belong where they are. If we can frame what we see in terms of belonging, then we are less likely to frame it in terms of blaming.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

As parents, we want to teach skills. Both of us have parents. And one of the first things is when they do something, we want to stop it because we want to teach them something different. So what is misunderstood about discipline, especially in early childhood?

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Well, I think what's misunderstood in early childhood is what's misunderstood all across the board, which is that discipline is about teaching. If you went onto a city street and interviewed a hundred people randomly and asked them, what does discipline mean? You'd get pretty close to a hundred versions of punishment. When someone says about a child, that child needs discipline, they're not talking about teaching. Anyone who's read any of the Positive Discipline books knows that the word discipline itself comes from a Latin word. It's the same word that disciple comes from. And a disciple is someone who goes and learns from a master. Discipline really is about teaching. But I think what often happens for us as adults, even those of us who think we know what we're doing, we get easily triggered by behavior. We take it personally, and we want, especially in early childhood settings, teachers want to make the kids stop. When we're under stress, I think we go back to what we know how to do. All of us grew up in settings and were taught in settings that were top-down, kind of vertical power systems. There were people on the top who told people on the bottom what to do. Positive, and it was a disaster. I literally put my hands up and said to the group of kids, I'm too mad to finish this. So I'm going to go sit in the cave. The cave was what we use as a positive timeout area, it was a big old refrigerator box that we had decorated. And their eyes all got really big. And I left, I got up, and I sort of wedged myself into the box and sat there with my arms folded, just breathing. They came over like little ducklings in a row. And one of them said, Are you mad at us? I said, I am not mad at you. I'm frustrated because our meeting was so loud and it hurt my ears. Another one said, Are you gonna come back? I said, I am gonna come back as soon as I feel better. Then I'll be able to be back in circle, feeling better and ready to go. A third kid said, Do you feel better? I laughed and I said, Well, as a matter of fact, I do. I came back to the circle and it completely changed how circle was. They were still really loud and really disrespectful to each other. All of the things that had raised my level of frustration were still going on. What had changed was my ability to cope with it. I wish I could say I thought of this at the time. I thought of it afterwards, with good modeling. So the kids got to see an adult be angry and be frustrated and handle it in a way that for many of them was not typical of the adults. Many of the children that I worked with had experiences with adult anger that were not pleasant. Some were downright abusive.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

Speak about hosting these groups for social skills.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

What are some skills that we need to be able to be utilizing in our work with children or in our parenting of children? The one that goes with it is kind and firm. It's really when people hear, oh, you have to be kind and firm at the same time, people don't think about it as complex or difficult. But the reality is that it can be. We're much more used to being kind and firm consecutively, meaning we'll start off being kind, for example, and then we sort of watch our kids develop a sense of entitlement. You should just give me what I want then. And then we swing to firm because we've decided that child now needs limits. And so when the child starts acting entitled, in that moment, we're thinking, I don't really like you much in this moment. And when we swing to firm or go beyond firm to rigid, that piece in our mind is now saying, I don't really like myself very much. And we go back and forth between kind and firm. I think kindness and firmness at the same time. I think if people can do empathy well and kind and firm at the same time, anything they're doing from parenting to teaching with children will get better. To me, those are the two foundational skills.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

So in your classroom, let's say I'm a child and I'm constantly moving around, touching other people's things, and maybe taking them won't kind and firm look like as a teacher. What would you say to me?

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Well, I'm thinking of a child that I worked with who just could not refrain from knocking over towers that other children had built with blocks or magnetiles or something. I remember it happening repeatedly one day, and my saying to him, starting off by saying, you know what, I really cannot stop you from knocking towers over. This is something I learned from Jane. It's that admitting when you don't actually have power, like unless I'm willing to tie you up, I can't stop you from knocking things over. So you're gonna keep doing it if that's what you want to do. I said, if it happens again, I'm gonna ask you to play in a different part of the room where you won't be near the kids who are doing the towers. The kind part was not getting angry with them about knocking things down and acknowledging that if they were gonna do it, they were gonna do it. The firm part was in saying, and this is what will happen. And then following through without blaming, without shaming, without sticking your finger in their face, going, see what I told you. So when he did it again and I asked him to play in a different part of the room, what I asked him was, What did I tell you would happen? No, excuse me. Sorry, that's wrong. After I had said to him, I'll ask you to play in another part of the room, then I reviewed it with him. I said, What will happen if you keep knocking things down? He said, I'll have to play in another part of the room. So then when I went back to him, instead of saying, What did I tell you? I asked him, What did you tell me would happen if this happens? And he didn't like it. He cried and he wants me to change my mind and give him another chance. And I said, You'll get lots of chances to do this, but not now. Now you really are done. After lunch, new game. Scoreboard change scoreboard goes back to zero. Tomorrow morning, new day. You don't start off under a cloud. We actually, in the early childhood manual, there's a handout on crafting kind and firm statements with children in early childhood settings or in homes. The first part being a statement of empathy. I get how you see the situation. So I know you don't want to come in from outside to go to lunch. I get it. And clock is telling me it's time for lunch. So you've got two true things. You don't want to come in, and we have to go in because it's time for lunch. Do you want to stomp into the classroom like a dinosaur? Or do you want to roar into the classroom like a lion? You decide. So the first part is, I get how you see the situation. The second part is, and here's the needs of the situation. The third part is here's a limited routines are the closest thing to magic in early childhood settings. Jane Nelson has a saying, letting the routine be the boss. If children get to be part of creating a routine, or at least they have been respected enough, like if they come into a classroom and they're new, you're not necessarily going to recreate routines because you have a new child, but you go out of your way to help this new child understand that this happens, then this happens, then this happens. Um, I think it's really powerful to be able to say to kids, go check the routine chart and tell me what's next. Instead, what we often do is say, okay, now we're going to do blah, blah, blah, which is sort of us speaking for the routine. Think as much as possible, you want to let the routine speak for itself. I also think, especially in home settings, kids should be included in coming up with as much of the routine as they can developmentally contribute to given the age they are. So maybe older kids can actually brainstorm the pieces of a routine. Younger kids may not be able to do that as much, but they can help you put them in order. But I do think that routines really create a sense of safety, which of course contributes to the sense of belonging.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

Belonging. It's a term frame in psychology positive disciplines based on that. We talk about belonging and how our behavior belonging related.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

Well, I am not the Adlerian scholar that many of my colleagues are. I am not necessarily the best person to known as attachment theory, which is widely positively regarded worldwide, really is an Adlerian concept stemming from belonging. Attachment is that sort of intense sense of belonging you have with another person. I think groups that stress belonging help kids feel connected to that group in a way that promotes that psychological well-being. I think that there are teachers I've known and consulted with over the years, some of the teachers thought that keeping the kids in line and making sure they did what they were supposed to do and didn't push limits. That was the secret to a well run classroom. So if you listen at the door of that classroom and watch through a window, you might see things proceeding pretty quietly. What you don't necessarily see are the sounds of kids having fun. Because that's not.