Modeling Self-Regulation: What Children Learn From Our Reactions

In this episode, Steven Foster and Yogi Patel Share a real classroom moment that highlights the power of modeling self-regulation. When a teacher steps away to calm herself rather than react, children witness something many have never experienced—an adult handling frustration with awareness and care.

We discuss how creating safe environments, enjoying time with children, and building emotional language through labeling feelings can transform behavior over time.

This conversation offers practical tools for parents, educators, and leaders who want to help children feel capable, connected, and safe.

You will hear strategies such as:
• Positive time-out for adults and children
• Labeling feelings to build emotional awareness
• Encouraging problem-solving and future thinking
• Creating connections even during challenging moments

This is not about perfection. It is about presence, awareness, and modeling the behaviors we hope to see in children.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

And it was a disaster. It was just bedlam. I literally put my hands up and said to the group of kids, I'm too mad to finish this. So I'm going to go sit in the cave. The cave was what we use as a positive timeout area. It was a big old refrigerator box that we had decorated. And their eyes all got really big. And I left, I got up, and I sort of wedged myself into the box and sat there with my arms folded, just breathing. They came over like little ducklings in a row. And one of them said, Are you mad at us? I said, I am not mad at you. I'm frustrated because our meeting was so loud and it hurt my ears. Another one said, Are you going to come back? I said, I am going to come back as soon as I feel better. Then I'll be able to be back in circle, feeling better and ready to go. A third kid said, Do you feel better? I laughed and I said, Well, as a matter of fact, I do. I came back to the circle and it completely changed how circle was. They were still really loud and really disrespectful to each other. All of the things that had raised my level of frustration were still going on. What had changed was my ability to cope with it. I wish I could say I thought of this at the time. I thought of it afterwards, with good modeling. So the kids got to see an adult be angry and be frustrated and handle it in a way that for many of them was not typical of the adults. Many of the children that I worked with had experiences with adult anger that were not pleasant. Some were downright abusive.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

I think the self-regulation in that case is definitely important to model because I'm sure these students, their behaviors are coming a lot from being stressed and looking for safety on a constant basis. Speak about hosting these groups for social skills. What are some of the things that you did to help them along so parents or teachers listening to this conversation could get a few tools?

SPEAKER_01 2:25

There's what you do when no one's in trouble, and that's enjoy yourself with children. The kids came and they were in a space where there were three of us, three adults, and all three adults clearly enjoyed being with them. Um, even in more chaotic moments, we enjoyed being with them. And I think that that came across to them. We listened quite a bit. We labeled feelings quite a bit. There's no controversy about that in early childhood and even in positive discipline circles. There's a contingent that thinks when you label a child's feelings, you're telling children how they feel. So when we say things to them like, you were really frustrated. You kept trying to make that tower stand up and it wouldn't. That's frustration. So we're labeling in the moment, we're helping them learn words for feelings so that later they can be able to say, I'm really frustrated because this tower stay up. So labeling feelings, brainstorming in the moment for solutions. So what do you think you could do next time? Because probably your friend's going to take your toy again sometime, and probably you're going to get mad about it. So, what do you think you'll do next time instead of hitting him? So, brainstorming for the future. Part of the issue is when you're talking with a child who's already done something wrong.